Rose in Winter: October 2014

"I'm so glad I live in a world where there are Octobers."

—Anne Shirley

I think heaven must be a never-ending autumn. I bet angels go on long walks through woods that burn with color and eat giant Honeycrisp apples for every meal. I bet they dance under a ceaseless ocean of stars and cuddle under warm blankets. I bet their hearts are so full in this autumn-heaven that no one has time to be stressed or sad. Only joy and comfort exist in a place so bombarded with beauty and laughter. I'd love to live where angels bake heavenly pie and the sound of pure laughter rustles in the trees.

I adore this time of year. I love Octobers and crisp air; the lovely, chilly air that filters through our lungs and cleanses us of all the worldly junk. I love the clicking sound that the leaves make on the street when it's windy, like they are tap-dancing into an unknown destination. Our lives are recycled in the fall. It's so exciting to see a fresh free-spiritedness in everyone, kind of like the one at the beginning of summer. Bright eyes and real smiles give me hope. As for me, I thrive in cold weather and ugly sweaters. I like seeing my breath because it's proof to me that I'm still overwhelmingly alive. I'm like a dragon. I breathe fire. But sometimes it's hard to feel that way when I'm intricately woven into a routine. But in the rare moments when I rip myself from the itchy fabric of daily life, I feel like fall. I feel crisp and joyful and anxious all at the same time.

Two weekends ago, my whole family (including grandma Juju!) went up to Vail and stayed in a fancy hotel at Beaver Creek for my sister's soccer tournament. The leaves literally throbbed with color and the whole time I felt like I was inside of a painting on a wall of a grand museum. I love my Colorado mountains, and I'm pretty sure I've left little glops of my heart in different places up there. Even though the scenery and everything about the trip was fabulous, what made it even better was sharing a room and bed with my sister and staying up way too late laughing about nothing. We had tears pouring from our eyes over the stupidest things I've ever heard, and it gave me a lovely reassurance that my sister and I truly are the biggest dorks I know (side note for my cc: do you know what a p.y.t. is? Cause when a p.y.t. walks in front of a tree, do the creep ;) (credit to urban dictionary and strange songs of our childhood...)

What I realized in that moment though, is that we literally bottle up our laughter because life won't let us laugh. It wants us to cry and stress and doubt. It's exhausting to wrestle with the violent emotions that the world shoves at us. Sometimes I just want to shrink to a point of invisibility and give up. My laughter is clotted in my veins and my hands start to turn blue because they need someone who will hold them. Maybe that's why God created Octobers. So restless air can cure our withering souls and invigorate our stale hearts. Jesus is this air. He is every single microscopic molecule that we breathe in, and he dances in our delicate lungs and gives us life, not just existence. He is so close to us that his breath is our breath. I'm learning that it doesn't matter how far we feel from him, because the truth is that he is so close we are breathing him in unconsciously. Trust me, I have felt so far from him lately, and I've been knotted in my own sin and fear. Yet he somehow untangles me from my stinging soul. He's proving to me in mini revelations and joyful moments that he is here. And he never left.

I have been so stressed out since school started. I wrote about this last time as well, (which, by the way, I'm so sorry I haven't written in more than a month! Not even okay! I'll try to do better. I promise.) Anyway, it's been a weird stress where I haven't been worried over one specific thing, but collective a pile of things that stink in the corner of my mind. It's basically the future. I'm scared. I really am. There's not a fancy or pretty way to say that. I think my dreams are logically too big for my mind. My heart is ready to explode from excitement and hope, but I realize some things are too much to take on. The only truth I'm sure of is that there is a God. And this God is knows my name and created my restless soul.

Since my last blog, I've had some wonderful experiences with the most inspiring people. Lately I've started to second guess my dreams, wondering if they really were too big, too unattainable, too crazy for me. I'm young and confused and still trying to figure out what the heck life is even about anyway, but at the same time I've been with inspiring souls that have made me even more confused but all the more hopeful. The "journalist" in me loves to encounter people who live with such passion and have miraculous stories to tell (everyone does. That's what's so beautiful about humans.) These people are proof to me that yucky emotions don't destroy us. There's my best friend who didn't let fear hold her back a few years ago, and now she's an amazing dancer. She showed me her collection of ballet shoes a couple weeks back, and they are so worn down and stained with blood and glory. I loved it. She inspires me. There's the awesome group of peer counselors who inspire me to push through despite heartache. Even babysitting and watching Veggie Tales reminds me that God loves me. No matter how far I feel from him, he decorates my life with little clues to finding him. My heart desires him in a way that no other thing can satisfy.

Although I sometimes feel like the world is hitching a ride on my shoulders and I just want to give up, God allows the miraculous to happen. Is it possible for me to feel so excited and so worried about life at the same time? Can I feel loved and lonely, disappointed and lighthearted all at once? Well, I'm feeling all of these things. And they've all started to melt into one grand notion in my heart: life.

But then there are moments when I'm thankful for the rush of emotions in my ambitious heart. I'm thankful for the bravery inside of me that wants to follow my dreams, no matter how insanely impossible they are. I'm thankful for the small moments that will stick in my heart forever. The ones that fill me up with sugary syrup and make me ooze with joy. I want my mind to play continuous reruns of happy memories. Moments like dancing in parking lots under a carpet of stars with the one person I'm beginning to want to spend all my time with. Moments like singing old Everly Brothers songs with my dad. Moments like being lazy and watching 80s movies with my bestest friend. Moments like sitting here on my bed in my room, smelling the "Mimi smell" cause I'm next to her old bolo ties, and simply writing.

16 is weird. I want to escape and travel everywhere and write forever, but at the same time I never want to leave home. I'm so all over the place right now, and I'm not even sure what I've been trying to say this entire post. I guess the main thing is that I'm still worried about life, but God is knitted into my soul and my dreams are still vibrantly alive in my heart. I need to learn to shed these twisted feelings and laugh. I'll let the slimy emotions bleed into a burning array of color. I need to let them soak out of every cell in my body so I breathe with intensity like autumn trees.

Hold my cold hands. Intoxicate me with chilly autumn air. Laugh with me like you never had a single worry. Hug me until I melt. Then let me fall off of this world like a dead leaf, so I can crumble and decay on a sidewalk of stars.